Migraines and Mary Magdalene

On being human in light and darkness

For any of you living with chronic pain of any kind, I send you my love. I thought of you as I was writing this and I hope it will help you summon the support you need.

Since age twelve, I’ve experienced debilitating, recurring migraines. When I was young, I would stay home from school for days at a time, hiding under the covers in my bedroom until the pain finally wore off.

In conjuring up the memories of this lifelong affliction, I am reminded of the physical sensations that are still all too familiar. These migraines always start with a stabbing pain behind my right eye. Throughout the experience, I can hardly bear to be in the light, and I can’t read or use my phone or computer. It’s a non-negotiable that I wear sunglasses indoors, or cocoon for hours in a darkened room.

All of my attention and energy is hijacked by the pain. Everything else dissolves into a grayish background, as if I’m encased in a dense, heavy gel. My body moves in slow motion as I stumble from bed to pour a glass of water or go to the bathroom.

As you can imagine, when this happens repeatedly over a stretch of multiple days, it interferes with living a full life. Even in those periods of its absence, I know it is lurking. I don’t want the migraine to come around, yet, like a vampire, it keeps returning.

If you’ve ever had a migraine, I know you understand this experience deeply. And if you haven’t, bless you - I’m glad that you haven’t had to hold this particular kind of pain.

With a sincere desire to understand this recurring experience in my life, for the past three years I’ve been walking a path of potent inquiry and healing. I have consciously engaged in both ancient and contemporary healing modalities with the intention of rewiring my brain, reconnecting to my vital life-force energy, and releasing the traumatic experiences from my childhood.

Trauma, as many of us now know, is not just an isolated event or a singular psychological wound. It can reshape the brain, distort our sense of self, and embed itself into the body. In my case, the impact of these early childhood traumas still lingers in the form of migraine headaches - a physical echo of the emotional pain I have been holding since I was a little one. The body does keep the score.

I won’t go into the details of the abuse I experienced as a child here today, but if you’re interested in diving even deeper into the subject of how we can transmute our traumatic childhood experiences into healing and transformation, I suggest going back to read my recent essay, Mother Hunger: A Daughter’s Hidden Heartbreak.

Today, I’d like to invite you into a deeply intimate and personal space as I share some recent journal entries and reflections on my experience with these headaches.

Not long ago, I had a powerful healing session with an experienced guide. I entered the session with a clear intention: to understand the deeper roots and meaning of these lifelong migraines. In the days that followed, through the container of a guided meditation, I was able to sit with the messages and insights that had surfaced. Throughout the process, I held a loving inquiry in my heart: What is this pain here to teach me?

(The guided healing process that inspired this piece is called “Sophianic Wave” with Brook Strawn.)

Join me as I share what came through…

What have I been longing for?

Relief from the pain of migraine headaches.

Why?

If I didn’t have these any more, I’d be able to count on myself to show up. Then I could love more and serve more.

What does it feel like to be in that space?

It feels like separation. The isolation, being in the dark, not wanting to eat or connect with anyone. I’m in the underworld, in the shadow. Feeling alone, like there’s no help. Nothing can take away the pain. My instinct is to turn away.

But what if I could turn toward it with compassion?

Expansion and contraction is a natural part of creation. And so when I go into these underworld journeys, I can also bring the light with me. The light is shining on the darkness that doesn’t want to be seen. Thoughts, feelings and emotions come up - unworthiness, shame, guilt - whatever is being contracted.

What is going on here? Where is the separation?

I suspect that the headaches started at puberty when the repressed memories of childhood abuse were trying to come into my consciousness. Now, when I’m pushing myself and not resting enough, that’s a big trigger for me to descend into a painful migraine experience.

Hey, this keeps coming up - what am I going to do differently?

I’ve learned that going into the darkness is natural, but I still resist. I don’t want to go there because, in a way, it’s killing my ego. I don’t want to be still. But now I know – it’s in the stillness that the transformation can happen.

How can I let myself be nurtured and supported as I’m held by the Great Mother?

Let’s see…by getting into my body.

Lately, I’m choosing to be in my body more - humming and listening with my hands on my belly. Sometimes I work on my feet, finding the balance between outer and inner foot, between ball of foot and heel. Cultivating that inner landscape, especially in my womb.

The womb is dark…the baby is in the womb for nine months. So I’m going back to that place where the senses are different, communication is different. I’m just bringing in the light of my awareness. Bringing more consciousness so there’s more of my soul, my essence, taking up space in my body. Coming into a place of ease and grace.

How can I lovingly touch those contracted places to bring them back into the light – into wholeness and integration?

Sinking into the pulse of Mother Earth, into her womb. It’s this space where I can keep going down and down. Inviting and welcoming myself to be synched with that pulse as I expand and contract. Feeling the heaviness as I flow down. Helping to bridge a place of communication with the feminine wisdom, the body, the womb. All of my body comes online. I can feel the pulse in my hands and my feet. It feels really honest and authentic, very tender.

I put my hands over my womb. Is there anything here?

I’m seeing two circles. They overlap with a flickering flame in the center. It’s a golden container with a reddish glow on the outside. Why is it flickering? Because it’s alive, it’s active. To me, this is the container for all creation. It’s a portal to awareness. The flame is life. Lighting the way through the cave, the darkness, the void. I feel comforted.

In my mind’s eye, I see a vision of being in a cave with Mary Magdalene in a circle of women. We hear the ocean waves. It feels very safe to be in that cave, connected in that circle. There’s a candle in the cave so there is light. She is talking and teaching us and we’re sharing our stories. She didn’t ever leave the cave, but we are like flickers of light going out into the world and then coming back into the cave for nourishment.

How is this pattern playing out in the life I’m living now?

It feels like this scene is already happening when I sit in circles with other people. The divine light is present in each one of us. It’s not just one person holding the light. We’re amplifying it for each other. I feel so grateful to be alive right now, sharing wisdom with women and men everywhere.

Mary Magdalene

Is there a way to amplify that feeling or allow it to take up more space?

I’m crying as I hear Mary Magdalene say, My daughter, I will show you. Be open and listen. The space above my eyes is opening up. More light is coming in on the right side, behind my eye. And it feels anchored to my womb and pelvic floor.

When I do descend into the darkness, how can I nourish and honor myself?

I can remember this feeling of being nurtured right now. The sun is shining light on me and I am receiving it. I can remember that slowness and rest support the expansion that is happening.

[Conclusion to journal entry flow]

For most of my life, I’ve desperately wanted to get free of these migraines. But now I see that this physical experience, as painful as it has been, is offering a gift. It is showing me a path to wholeness, not banishing the darkness, but learning how to be with it. Gently, courageously…and with tenderness.

Dear reader, if you, too, live with chronic pain - whether it be relentless migraines, endometriosis, fibromyalgia, or the isolating, disorienting weight of some other illness - know that I’ve held you in my heart as I wrote this. You are not alone.

May you find the people, practices, and grace to help you turn toward your own pain with compassion. May you feel the presence of something loving and luminous walking with you, even in your hardest moments. And if you feel a connection with Mary Magdalene, may you know her as I have come to know her: not as a figure of shame or sorrow, but as a profound healer and fierce keeper of embodied wisdom.

Suleika Jaouad, one of my favorite Substack creatives and author of The Book of Alchemy, offered this inspiration that is helping her through a difficult post-chemo week:

“During weeks like these, I summon the words of my late friend Lisa Bonchek Adams:

‘Find a bit of beauty in the world today. Share it. If you can’t find it, create it. Some days this may be hard to do.’

A glimmer. A tiny gem. A bit of beauty that lifts us from the mundane, from the drudgery, from the crueler aspects of living. What sweet relief.”

In service of truth and love,

Lee

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Lee Sumner Irwin is a teacher, visionary, author, artist, intuitive guide, and grandmother who has spent the last few decades discovering a multitude of ways to uplift, inspire, and connect with women who feel called to her work. Over the years she has led retreats worldwide, coached women as they birthed their unique gifts and creative energy, and facilitated healing journeys. Her award-winning first book is Radiant Wise Woman: Breaking Free from the Myths of Menopause and Aging. She currently resides in Alabama with her husband where she enjoys dancing, exploring the wonders of nature, building community, nurturing her family, and finding ever-new ways to express her creativity.

Here at RADIANT WISE WOMEN, you’ll only find soul-filled, honest, and authentic content. No artificial intelligence — just pure human consciousness + creativity.