Being a Better Elder
Lessons in Wonder, Compost, and Freedom
Eldership in Nature and Life
Among orcas, it is postmenopausal females that are perhaps most vital to a pod’s survival. These grandmother whales pass along information on the location of the best hunting grounds to their children and grandchildren. In times of food scarcity, when the salmon supply is low, it is the oldest post-reproductive females who lead their pods to waters where they will all be fed. If the grandmothers were to die, the group would fail to thrive.
Oak trees don’t start producing acorns until they are about fifty years old, at which point they can produce over fifty thousand acorns each year, ensuring the possibility of survival and regeneration.
Like orcas and oak trees, women store up energy over the years so that later in life, we can share our abundant gifts with those around us. We gather this energy by owning and transcending our fears, embodying gratitude for the learning we’ve done on our path through life.
Aunt Lillian’s Wisdom
Think of an older woman you admire. Not so much for her deeds as for her radiance – the glow of her character – her patience, courage, and tireless optimism. For me, this woman was Aunt Lillian. She came to our house every weekday to clean and iron and watch after me while my parents were at work. She had a gap between her two front teeth and a big soft lap she’d let me sit in while she put her feet up on the ottoman.
Aunt Lillian baked the best banana-nut bread (her handwritten recipe is tucked in my cookbook). I can almost taste it – crumbly and sweet with cinnamon as she pulled it from the oven and cut the first piece, just for me.
I remember one day when I was about four, dressed in a T-shirt and pink skirt, twirling around the living room with my arms over my head. She put down the iron to clap her hands, exclaiming, “That’s my girl!” with a broad smile. Her guiding light has been with me throughout my life, and I often sense her presence and hear her whispers of encouragement.
Conversations with Love
Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, recently invited her community of readers to investigate her subject of the week. She encouraged us to explore aging and all that comes along with it with this prompt: “Dear Love, what would you have me know about becoming an elder?”
So I lit a candle, put one hand on my heart and one hand on my belly, and asked.
This is what came through…
Soften, soften, soften. Remember your innocence. Can you see the world through the eyes of a child?
If other people want to put expectations on you or judge you from their own fears, let them. You know who you are.
Reclaim your dignity. Stand with your spine long as if it’s a string of pearls being held by an angel.
Stop worrying about how you look. If all your hair falls out, you’re still you – a being of light.
No more excuses for not keeping your body strong. It is important for you to be flexible and stay strong for the journey you’re on.
Listen to the young ones. They are wise and need to be heard. Help them know that they have helpers all around including plant allies and animal friends. Help them trust what their body is telling them. Tell them you’re glad that they are alive.
You must be a living example of all this, not so much in words but in how you approach life – its disappointments and wonders, its sadness and celebrations.
You have so much to give, especially your presence, acceptance, and vision.
I can’t tell you how powerful this practice was for me. I am continually amazed by the supportive wisdom that is available to me when I create space for stillness, for silence, for deep listening.
If you’re open to receiving guidance about becoming an elder, I lovingly invite you to ask this same question of your higher knowing – of Love, Spirit, God, or however you define your own intuition – and listen closely to what comes through. You might be surprised (and delighted!) by what you receive.
Generating Lifeforce
The compost pile in my winter garden is teeming with earthworms who munch the food scraps and dead leaves and expel the nutrients. They are generously helping transform these ingredients into fertile soil. Every spring, the seeds I sow there will grow into food to enjoy and share with neighbors – tomatoes, yellow squash, and sugar snap peas.
As we age, life has its way with us. No matter our upbringing or circumstances, the experience of being human asks us to hold so much - both births and deaths, ecstatic joys and devastating losses.
In sitting with the darkest and most grief-filled parts of living, when we find ourselves spiraling downward into an all-consuming fear and sadness, we may wonder how much sorrow we can hold.
As we mature, we are called to carry grief in one hand and gratitude in the other. If we carry only grief, we lean toward hopelessness. If we focus solely on gratitude, we risk insisting on a toxic positivity in order to bypass the suffering. But as we learn to hold both the sorrow and the joy, our hearts become bigger and more present, allowing us to feel more compassionate and powerful.
So I ask you: what is the compost of the rich and full story of your life?
Can we view our experiences – the despair, upheavals, and powerful moments of clarity and refocusing – as nourishing fuel for the rest of our journey?
Open to Wonder
In this culture, there’s a rigid idea that youthfulness is defined by our teens or our twenties. But actually, there’s a form of youthfulness we can inhabit that doesn’t have anything to do with our bodies. This can happen when we’re in our 70s, 80s, 90s, and beyond.
Think of it as a sense of surprise and wonder at what is being revealed to us as we grow older.
We hear repeatedly that we need to “live with passion,” but what does this really mean? How do we cultivate passion every day and as the end of life approaches? The answers to these questions are deeply personal, but not complicated.
I believe living with passion is the quality of aliveness that comes when we give ourselves permission to feel good.
I learned this from an inspiring elder in my community. Gerda was a friend who recently died at the age of 94. Her hands were never idle: knitting blankets and socks for children in Afghanistan, sculpting clay on her pottery wheel to create sturdy mugs and bowls, carefully arranging a mosaic of glass inside elegant frames that reflected multi-colored light into her church.
Her adventuresome spirit led her to ride horses in Mongolia, brave the icy winds of the South Pole, and conduct important research worldwide with the EarthWatch Institute. Ever on guard against wastefulness, she once walked home from a wine-tasting fundraiser carrying two heavy bags of “leftovers.”
Even though she had lost her eyesight two years earlier and was unable to make art or watch her beloved birds in the backyard, she eagerly allowed herself simple ways to feel good every day. The classical music she loved, a conversation with a dear friend, the sensation of a soft scarf around her shoulders – she reveled in any opportunity to appreciate the vibrant beauty of her life.
The week before she passed, she wanted to eat lunch outside on the patio and asked to spread her vibrant orange and red tablecloth over the table. “I know I can’t see it,” she said, “but I’ll still know it’s there – and that makes me happy.”
Something Worth Living For
As we live our lives, we’re making way for something else – something we’re actually beating a trail for. Maybe that something is your son, daughter, or grandchild. Maybe it’s an important project or the people in your life whom you’ve taught or mentored. I’ve learned that the more generous we are with our talents, the more our circle widens — serving and blessing those who are here, as well as those who will come after we’re gone.
Like I shared in my most recent Substack newsletter, Sparks in the Darkness: A Vision for Our Children’s Children, the choices we make and the actions we take ripple out for generations to come. Being a better elder has to do with what you’re going to pass along – the legacy you will leave. The poet David Whyte calls this the shape of your own absence.
I’m honored to be connected to many women younger than I am who are in their 30s and early 40s – each of them weaving bold threads into the tapestry of their lives. I love bearing witness to what each woman is devoting time and energy to. Each of their stories is unique: teaching young children to plant gardens, sharing the esoteric healing path of her ancestors, singing her prayers as a traveling artist and songwriter, renovating a house to be a welcoming space for queer and transgender people, expanding her business while nurturing her own body as she navigates perimenopause. As I reflect with them while they speak about their desires and struggles, it brings me to tears.
Young ones instinctively trust our belief in them. They don’t need to be fixed. They don’t even need our advice, although they sometimes ask for it. They are inspired simply by witnessing an elder who has faced many tests in life, and has come through them with a measure of grace, courage, and wisdom. What a contrast to the often dire predictions of the future — to be with someone who is fascinated by the experience of being alive at this time, on this planet, with these people.
Three Inner Allies
My desire is that in some way, you, dear reader, will be reminded of the truth that there is a brave, fiercely loving, intuitive Wise Woman alive and well inside you. She is reminding you that you carry a unique medicine – experiences, knowledge, and wisdom – that are invaluable to others. May you listen to her and feel her strength as you fully express the wisdom and gifts you hold. Some questions to sit with…
Where are you sharing your unique medicine?
Who are you teaching or nurturing, and what are you learning along the way?
What will the shape of your own absence be when you’re gone? What legacy will you leave?
You might be in the phase of life where you’re embodying eldership – or perhaps you’re preparing for this gift. Each of us holds within us three sacred aspects of ourselves – the Maiden, the Mother/Queen, and the Wise Woman. While each of these archetypes marks a distinct and important stage in womanhood, remember that they will always need each other, and that they will call on us to integrate them.
As I’ve shared in my book Radiant Wise Woman: Breaking Free from the Myths of Menopause and Aging, “The Maiden reminds us to stay connected to our imagination and sensual nature, to be playful and full of wonder. The Mother/Queen asks us to welcome support as we nurture others. The Wise Woman invites us to release past hurts and embrace our courage and intuition.”
Interwoven and always enlivening one another, these three inner allies stand ready to help anytime we feel unbalanced or anxious and need to be steadied. Their love is endless, offering sustenance and clarity as we evolve into resilient older women who forge a powerful and positive impact in the world.
The world needs us — the elders and elders-in-training — to show up. Let’s give ourselves permission to feel good. Let’s be generous and grateful. Whether in joy, grief, tenderness, or anything in-between, let’s celebrate the story of a full life well-lived on our faces.
In service of truth and love,
Lee
“Whatever happens, stay alive. Don't die before you're dead. Don't lose yourself, don't lose hope, don't lose direction.
Stay alive, with yourself, with every cell of your body, with every fiber of your skin.
Stay alive, learn, study, think, read, build, invent, create, speak, write, dream, design.
Stay alive, stay alive inside you, stay alive also outside, fill yourself with colors of the world, fill yourself with peace, fill yourself with hope.
Stay alive with joy.
There is only one thing you should not waste in life, and that's life itself."
–Virginia Woolf
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About the Author
Lee Sumner Irwin is a teacher, visionary, author, artist, intuitive guide, and grandmother who has spent the last few decades discovering a multitude of ways to uplift, inspire, and connect with women who feel called to her work. Over the years she has led retreats worldwide, coached women as they birthed their unique gifts and creative energy, and facilitated healing journeys. Her award-winning first book is Radiant Wise Woman: Breaking Free from the Myths of Menopause and Aging. She currently resides in Alabama with her husband where she enjoys dancing, exploring the wonders of nature, building community, nurturing her family, and finding ever-new ways to express her creativity.
Here at RADIANT WISE WOMEN, you’ll only find soul-filled, honest, and authentic content. No artificial intelligence — just pure human consciousness + creativity.
Thank you for this, Lee. As a woman who has recently shifted from Maiden to Mother/Queen, these words land with such resonance. There is grief leaving the maiden behind…but I welcome the knowing that she’ll always be with me to remind me of her medicine. Thanks for the invitation to step into my later years with confidence and grace, and to welcome in the juicy and potent wisdom of my life’s fullness as I age. It’s deeply heartening to receive this perspective, that my life could be just beginning, as I sit here on the brink of 40. 🙏🏼♥️
I knew I was saving this article for when I really had space to hold it - and wow, it’s a good thing I did, because it made me weep over and over again. I’m sending this to a bunch of women in my world. Thank you so much for this beautiful dedication, Lee - it is inspiring beyond words.